Proceed to Safety

South Park Takes on the Gun Debate Without Blood or Bullets    

This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the South Park world; all elemented of which are which is copyright (c) and/or trademarked by Comedy Partners and affiliated companies. I have no connection with South Park, its creators, owners or parent companies, and do not claim any creative rights or ownership of any characters or other elements of the South Park franchise.
      Furthermore, this story may depart from official storylines or past character development, and if you don't like it, go away. This story about the South Park Elementary teachers, the Stotch family, etc. is my own invention and not intended to be part of official story canon. Seriously, get a life.

(originally a blog article, Episode Outline for South Park, 2012 Dec 24th)

Ext School entrance, 7:00 AM weekday. As children walk into school, they casually say "hi" to the school's guard.

Scene. As first period is under way, guard is still near his post but relaxed and talking with a friend. He remarks on how good it is that we are guarding our children, but has anyone thought of the teachers? His friend points out that teachers died in Connecticut too, but the guard insists the killer shot them only to get to the kids. It's his job to guard the children. Immediately a child appears, screaming and running down the hall with a machine gun.

We never see or hear any bullets, nor any death or dying. {This is the main "gimmick" of the episode} Instead we immediately cut to:

Scene: Ext town common, 2:00 PM a couple days later. A community seance for those lost in the shooting: eight teachers senselessly killed by sociopathic 2nd-grader. Other teachers are shown crying and holding teddy-bears (in analogy to the surviving classmates of the Sandy Hook Elem. shooting)

Scene: Int NRA press conference. Spokesman explains that we value our money, companies, judges and schoolchildren so well that they all have armed guards. But what about the teachers? Our cherished teachers, keystone of America's success and future, are defenseless — shouldn't we be guarding them as well?

Scene: Int Stotch dining room. Butters is talking with his parents about recent trends, and his father advises him to consider joining a gun club. Already known to be on the NRA side of this issue (the bunker in "About Last Night..."), he reveals that he is an obsessively conscientious gun owner: his guns are always locked by both a combination and a key, and separately from the ammo; he goes to the gun club and practises shooting and learns all the proper protocols for handling and using guns throughout daily life. Perhaps his wife expreses surprise (because all this time, Stephen Stotch has been a closeted gun owner). {The Butters thread is the subplot, which depicts the NRA as being almost anal-retentively obsessed with safety and responsibility in handling guns. This is a secondary "gimmick" which can be played up if it seems necessary after storyboarding.}

Scene: Int school gym, PTA meeting. As the parents arrive, they say "hi" to the newly-hired teachers' guard (a different person from the school guard we met in scene 1) and sit down to start the meeting. The debate begins on familiar lines; we hear much of the same conversation that everyone in the country has been undertaking since Dec 13th.

Scene. As the PTA meeting is under way we see the teachers' guard now casually talking with a friend: We're protecting the children and the teachers, but has anybody thought of the parents? Predictably a deranged teacher runs in with two machine guns and perhaps something bigger. Once again: no bullets, no death, we immediately cut to 2 days later:

Scene: Ext town common. The community seance for the fallen parents: 13 parents died at the PTA meeting. Their friends, all fellow parents, are sobbing and clutching stuffed animals.

Scene: Ranch. Butters is now with Jimbo and Ned learning the finder points of how you transport a gun from the house to the gun club for shooting practice: how to lock it in the trunk, how to show someone it's unloaded, etc.

Scene: Int NRA press conference, this time they're advocating guards for parents {this should be brief, or perhaps heard on car radio as parents are driving to grocery store for the next scene:}

Scene: Int grocery store near entrance. Now some parents are shopping, and their guard (who follows them into the store as they enter) casually exchanges "hi" with the store employees. The parents begin shopping, and we stay with the guard as her friend appears, and they begin talking. Soon an insane parent runs in with a weapon and points it at the row of checkout cashiers, who scream and duck under the counter, and we cut to:

Scene: Ext town common, the seance for the 7 Wall-Mart employees who were slain at the grocery store. Now it's other store employees who are clutching teddy bears, etc.

Scene: Stotch living room. As yet another NRA press conference is on the TV, Butters is talking with his father about his new shooting skills, etc.

A few more scenes, in a similar way advance the story to the point where now it's the guards and the gun industry (ammo dealers, etc.) who need protection, as they're the only segment of society still left unguarded. But simultaneously, Cartman is pointing out how the stuffed animals are the only ones remaining without protection.

Cut to a complex shot in which a homicidal fluffy bunny (perhaps a mascot) opens fire on all the guards while a deranged guard opens fire on the stuffed animals. Everyone else instantly joins in the firefight which ends as quickly as it begins. For the first time (after 20 minutes without any fantasy violence) and in less than a second the whole screen turns red with blood and little bits of body parts of guards and stuffed animals (and most everybody else) coating the walls and camera lens. {All the gore that was not shown throughout the half-hour has been saved up for this final moment.}

{This isn't twisty enough for a good-quality ending, but we're close.} Perhaps it's Cartman (covered in blood and cotton fluff) who begins a typical "you know, I learned something today", but Kyle interrupts him pointing out his hypocrisy after he serial-murdered his stuffed animals in "One Percent".

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