MCV08:

Listening to Others

If you aren't clear what's needed, just keep listening. Listening can include questions of clarification, but if you need clarification it is better (in one-on-one conversations) to restate what was said in your own words; this reassures the speaker that you are listening and helps them identify what details have been missed.

Remember that often "what's needed" is outright listening — no questions, no clarification. In Pulp Fiction there is a deleted scene that includes these lines:
MIA Do you listen or wait to talk? VINCENT (pauses, thinking deeply) I wait to talk -- but I'm trying to listen.
One of the main challenges to listening occurs to people who have learned a lot and genuinely want to help — they are so aware of what they have to give that they stop paying attention to the person they are trying to help. It is almost always better to just let them talk it out. (There is much more on this in MCV10).

Golden and Platinum Rules

To illustrate listening I use something I call the "platinum rule" contrasted to the well-known golden rule:

The golden rule: Treat others as you would have them treat you.

The "platinum" rule: Treat others as they would have you treat them.

The golden rule requires no commitment to listening, the platinum rule requires lots of high-quality listening.

Here I will add a note to the effect that — the recommendation of Platinum Rule on the basis of the motivation for high-quality listening, runs across purposes with the recommendation to inspect men and not let them operate in their bullshit and/or comfort zone. The interpretation "If a man wants to be mothered, the Platinum Rule tells us to identify this and comply" is not intended. Just as in MCV03 the core values lead in conflicting directions, and resolution of the conflict requires depth, trust and possibly intense confrontation, to determine the proper strategy and which core value should prevail (the core value of quality listening, or the core value of masculinity).

Listening to Yourself

I also apply this core value on an individual level. Usually this means clearing away thought and being aware of the unspoken: my context, feelings, gut instinct, etc.

There is a process I must have learned somewhere (I don't remember where) that I use to free my action from being controlled by harmful emotion. I call it Zen Awareness and it works like this:

• Look around you — what do you see, hear, etc.?
• What are your feelings? (non-actable things like anxiety, jealousy, love)
• What are your emotions? (the five "actable" emotions are: mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed)
• What are you thinking?
• What is your context?
• Does your context serve the higher purpose?
  Wait a bit, then repeat. Do not take action until the answers to all of the questions are positive.

Please note that if fear or shame are involved, you might want to do the exercise alone — because telling someone about your fear might make you more afraid, and telling someone about your shame might make you more ashamed. In these cases you should probably do the exercise alone. Otherwise, you might want to have a close friend work through the exercise with you — having them witness your answers to the questions will strengthen the effect.

MCV08 for Teams

When this core value is present:

The team is unanimous in what it does. (+mcv8a)

The team does work that is needed and appropriate. (+mcv8b)

The team supports a member in ways consistent with that member's consent. (+mcv8c)

When this core value is lacking:

The team lacks clarity; stumbles over dissent; makes commitments without unanimous consent. (-mcv8a)

The team sets agendas, performs services, or gives help that is not needed or is inappropriate. (-mcv8b)

The team chooses how to support a member, without that member's consent. (-mcv8c)

Sources

Eric Levin, 200512

Micah Sakata, 20060131